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Friday Fun

BillMain

BillMain

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A man charged into a Glasgow bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a hand gun.
'This is a raid' he shouted. 'Everyone get on the floor. NOW!'

He then ransacked the cash drawer, stuffing bundles of notes into his holdall.

As he ran towards the exit with the cash, one brave customer stood up and tried to stop him, yanking of his balaclava in the process.
The robber shook himself free and shot the customer stone dead. 'Now did anybody else see ma face?' he yelled.
The robber noticed another customer peering from behind a counter. Quick as a flash, he strode over and shot him. 'Is there anybody else that saw ma face? he yelled, waving his gun around.

There was a silence for a few seconds before a male voice was heard from a distant corner........
'I think ma missus caught a wee glimpse o' ye....'
 


A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150...
 
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those ba-stards at the Post Office.

Edna
 
Another old n

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..



(This is great)

**********



'THE TEETH.'
 
Someone said to Stan this morning, if Jane made you a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich for your lunch, what would you call it?




he said




a miracle [8D]

( old ones are the best [:D] )
 
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